SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
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me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Leaving the Barbers like
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.