sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
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My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
[eulogy]
line?
Penguins walking in 5x speed
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day