The hardest thing Vision has to do
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Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
I’m sorry…what?
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
ok this is my dumbest yet
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.