[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
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If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Go girl power!
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…