Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
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Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.