The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
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does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
(Gaming support cat.)
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.