My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
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Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Good morning!
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.