I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
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GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Never ghost your hitman.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first