shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
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SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.