GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
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What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.