No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
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Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?