*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
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You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Finally
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop