“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
You Might Also Like
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Raisins are grape jerky.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.