my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
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Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.