Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
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Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.