I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
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Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
oppen heimer style lol
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?