How dude HOW?!
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When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
The honesty is refreshing
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
The future is now.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it