Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
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“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
there has never been a better use of this meme
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.