You had me at “define legal”.
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me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.