There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
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doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Does it…does it take 3 days
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?