Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
You Might Also Like
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?