[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
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One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Wikigenius
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.