[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
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Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Hot Panini is in big trouble
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
the simulation is moving too fast
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.