Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
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When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Labreador
i will not be silenced
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
The Birdles
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”