sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
You Might Also Like
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
this is me
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
A little too much information.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Whoa… oh I see lol
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭