Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
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Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
oh you wanna fight?!
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda