Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
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After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
every college guy’s fridge
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket