Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
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I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
as is their right
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night