I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
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My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
the prophecies have been fulfilled
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.