Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
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Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
No one :
Me when I swimming :
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
when you order from DoorDastardly
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.