My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
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My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
This hospital has everything
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.