i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
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My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.