i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
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All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Okay me first
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows