MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
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*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Your secret is safeish with me
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting