[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
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Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.