ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
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Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Extremely relatable.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers