my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
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I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat