wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
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[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
they really do be looking like this
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?