[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
You Might Also Like
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Modded the new Gran Turismo
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries