Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
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[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*