[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
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I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?