A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
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I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
i really liked this one
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble