God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
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Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Sorry I made promises on Friday
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.