I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
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Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
honestly, i need both:
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
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Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?