Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
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My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Air conditioning – not a fan
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
me when the borders lift
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big