Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
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I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
I have a new favorite meme page
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Breaking news:
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say