I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
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Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Just had my nails done!
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice