me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
You Might Also Like
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Do one person every day that scares you.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”