domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
You Might Also Like
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.