I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
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[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
#gardening
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
real
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse